Mashed Potatoes

Guilty Conscious

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 23:55:52 GMT

Why am I unhappy? Is it because I always put people before myself? Is it because I put people's feelings before my own? I dont understand...I cant just do something and hurt others and feel good about it. Its not who I am. I cant leave a friend in the gutter, because she hurt me. I cant do that. She's my friend and "treat someone how you would want to be treated" and i cant just stop being friends because she's my friend and i cant just do that.

"Lust is "intense or unrestrained sexual craving or an obsessive desire"
so if it wasnt that and more caring and feelings of affection, than it was love, but you were not necissarily "in love" you may have just "loved" him a lot" words from a wise friend. I guess that thats all it was was an obsessive desire, of me wanting to be with him and since he didnt feel that way and didnt want to be with me, it hurt so much. I guess I'll always think of what i could do, and try and be better for him..I'll always wish I was with him, even though it will never happen.

Forgive Me

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 23:55:18 GMT

I knew you didnt want to be with me but i liked u so much i stuck it into the back of my mind and wished to forget about it..i actually thought that i just might want to have sex with u, and i was thinking then u would stay and be with me..but i knew you wouldnt you'd prolly just have seen it as a 'score' and you wouldnt then be with me.

Im sorry for being so self-centered and conceited and not caring about your total feelings.. I know I should have, and if I have we wouldn't be here like we are. We'd still be close friends and we wouldn't have this strain. But I cant help who I am, I dont understand why I get like this, I just do I don't know if it's because i've never had a real relationship and I try so hard to make things work and become a totally different person. Maybe because I feel i'm so held back in this family that sometimes I just wish i wasnt born at all or wish i didnt live in this family. I get so involved too fast with my feelings, I know I need to find a way to hold myself back. I have never been able to tell how i felt about anything, like i did and still do with you. I dont feel judged around you, I dont feel guilty when I say things to you, I have never not felt guilty after saying something wrong, I dont feel stupid. I just trust. And I wihs things were back to normal, because I dont understand these things, see, you make things disappear like they dont exist anymore.

And I know I need to stop before I get anymore caught up in this world that i have going with Luke, I have many times, but I cant stop, its too hard. But i need to stop running away from my problems, and them. Even though every time I try they end up blowing up in my face, and I just keep running. I keep wishing I would wake up and I'd still be in high school, and i'd be kicking you out of my seat in marketing, and we just met.And then we could start over, and I could try and prevent things from happening. But i know it wont happen...ever. I just wish you'd forgive, you keep saying the past is the past and you've forgotten, but i know you havent..i want you to forgive me for my stupidity and childish anger. And for everything i said that i used as a weapon. I am truly sorry.

diving into oblivion

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 23:50:59 GMT

will it always be like this? i never know when im going to talk to you, and then when i do..its like your distanced. will it be like this in a relationship? never knowing whats going to happen next? Luke, i really like you...like REALLY REALLY REALLY SUPER LIKE YOU..i can never stop thinking about you, or get you out of my head...and it hurts that I never know when i'm going to talk to you next, and if its you, or u and ur friends..please give me a straight answer..i dont want to be confused anymore.

It hurts not knowing if I'm wasting my time or I'm not and we could really have something. I know you've liked me for awhile, and i never saw us being more than friends. But now as I realize that I like talking to you, you make my skies blue when they are gray. Sure, Mom doesn't approve just because you are 1 year and 8 months younger than me..but I dont care you make me happy, you bring out of my bubble and knock down the walls I have built up, to protect me from getting hurt again. As I am terrified of the pain you may bring me, as it is probably to late, for you to love me back the I love you now.

Diving into oblivion, thats exactly what I am doing, crushing the brick walls that I have just finished building, blowing my house down like the big bad wolf. I dont know whats going to happen, I dont want to lose our close-friendship that we have made over the past 3 years that I have known you. Im a scared little girl, as I have never have had a long relationship with the opposite sex..I find I get scared of whats happening and end it..or I feel I am being suffocated, as I love my freedom.

But please..please..please..let me know whats going to happen. I need to know, so that either we together can move on, or I can take my things and move on by myself.